i have no intention of reviving this stupid blog. if you’re reading this, and you don’t remember writing this, then perhaps you clicked a wrong link.
i am on the verge of something “bad”. Yes, “very bad”. I do not know how to describe it. everytime i tihnk about it, my bloodstream will freeze for a brief moment, and the sudden change in body temperature can leave a scratch on my bones. leave as many scratches you want, you biatch. tempt me to resort to self-pity. push me to the edge of the cliff, only to stop and walk away, you biatch. watching myself do the dirt work gives you pleasure huh? well.. it gives me pleasure too. so screw you, its a win-win situation. im masochistic. i torture myself with “emotional roller-coaster” rides all the time. most of them have a 50/50 chance of becoming reality you know? most people choose to remain optimistic. i choose to remain pessimistic even if the chances of something you don’t want to happen is low. i am not being specific here. im being very general. im not referring to any event in particular.
bathing myself inself-pity; really, sometimes i put myself in people’s shoes too much. i am too reactive for my own good. i saw my father looking at something, staring in fact. at nothing. i put myself into his shoes and i felt very sad. i wanted to go up to him and hug him, even if i did no know whats bothering him. i want to ask him whats bothering him. but im such a pathetic mood right now. im afraid i will break down even before i finish my question. am i exaggerating what he is feeling right now? i hope so, cos i feel so sad right now. onot emoing as so many people like to put it. i feel genuinely sad, like dying. its the same everywhere i go. i feel so weak right now, i feel so helpless and useless. i am.
will there be a day when my dad comes up to me and tell me i will know how he is feeling if i “wake up one day and find myself next to my bed in a crib.”
maybe i will never get the chance to do what i want to do, but i want to help others do what they want to do.
